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MUST READ: Hey Vagina! You Are A Crime —– By Florence Ozor

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Do you own a Vagina?

Yes?

Verdict: You are a crime.

In the last few weeks, vaginas have come under enormous threats, intimidation, extortion, attack, rape and horrid violations under varying circumstances.

Was your vagina spotted out and about, around 8 pm and later? Did your vagina go clubbing? Was your vagina taking a stroll to get some air? Did your vagina impulsively conceive grocery shopping down the road late in the evening? Was your vagina scantily clad in nothing but thongs? Did your vagina decide to ‘hang out’ with penises and co-vaginas? Does your vagina currently reside in the Federal Capital Territory (FCT)?

If your vagina answered yes to any of the above questions, YOU ARE A CRIME.


Public Service Announcement: these circumstances are subject to change and we reserve the right to review circumstances without prior notice.

PENIS PROTECTION

This is wicked and unfair, these vaginas had penises around, why were they not subjected to the same rule? It is gender-based violence, a discrimination and a violation of the fundamental rights of all vaginas within the territorial boundary of Nigeria.

Oh vagina, I understand your lamentation but I cannot ignore the naivety of it. Your attempt to equate your vagina with a penis will be the end of you. Penis is your master! Yes, there were penises found around loitering, chatting, strolling and even dancing with vaginas, but they have exclusive immunity for the duration of their existence better than those even conferred by the constitution. You do not reserve the same privilege of immunity.

Know this Vagina, know it and understand your place. Penises are not subject to the presumption of criminality accorded to vagina; how could you even imagine such preposterous imagination of equality! All these feminists!

Mind you, Penises do not engage in prostitution and neither does it constitute any moral aberration in our society, vagina!

Vaginas, I cannot continue to enlighten you that the laws, religion, culture and politics of the land favors penises and not you, ordinary vagina, so stay away from the FCT and where unavoidable, stay indoors and prostitute, sorry, socialize there.

YOU PROSTITUTE!

Every woman is a prostitute in Nigeria and this is geographically understated.
Growing up in an African home, when you are called your middle name, it is either as an endearment, a reprimand before an onslaught or a lethal warning, reason being that one can get used to the commonality of a first name and the officious-ness of a surname, the middle name is unfailingly pulled out of the sack, reflective of the gravity of the circumstance with a hint of consequences. Every woman in Nigeria – again, geographically understated – has an unwritten, unspoken and illegitimate middle name – verbalized after the pattern of an African home.

YOU PROSTITUTE!

  • is your middle name or will inevitably be your middle name provided you are burdened by nature with a vagina and like all legitimate use of middle names, it does not matter how highly placed you are or your status, it will be used to remind you who is boss and the insignificance of your existence often in the light of attributing your minute existence to the benevolence of a penis. Unlike your legitimate middle name, this does not carry a toga of class, honor or prestige, it is used to reduce and eliminate any imaginative attempt of a vagina to assume any height of prominence, however low. Please do not push your luck, in challenging the status quo or seeking to insist on your high ground, it is a proven means of soliciting for your middle name. It will be vocalized with a stamp- a confident knowledge of validity and finality accompanied with anger, disdain, violence, dominance, suppression and all manner of genius, subject to the creative imagination of the speaker. Oh! vagina, you may enjoy the privilege of not been called your middle name, do not get accustomed to this, it is short-lived – You Prostitute – will be the summation of you.

VAGINA POLICE!

There is an agency of government, who is not bound by the constitution of the Federal Republic of Nigeria and whose job it has become to apprehend at sight all “loitering vaginas”.

The Abuja Environmental Protection Board (AEPB) whose duty it is to “…. keep owned or occupied tenements clean, neat, keep the grass low and trim, cut and trim flowers; keep drainage running through the tenement free from blockage. Provide adequate dust bin and sanitary convenience; must not dry clothes in front of the balcony or in front of his premises or on hedges or sidewalks, must not keep animals or birds likely to cause nuisance; must not use residential premises for the sale of alcoholic drinks or as a restaurant or for other commercial activity.” but no! they are after vaginas and all vaginas are guilty enabled by time and place.

Over 100 vaginas have been arrested in the last two weeks, some have been charged to court on coerced confessional statements of prostitution charge, some granted N5000 fine, married women with evidence of a wedding band released and some are still in custody all thanks to the Federal Capital Territory Administration, (FCTA) Joint Task Team.

Tales abound of life during apprehension. A certain young petite vagina narrated how taking a stroll to buy noodles at a wrong time and place was the license for her arrest.

The Vagina Police demanded N5000 as fine failure to pay resulted in the violent penetrations of 3 penises into her vagina without condoms and garnished with beating to command compliance. Another young vagina exposed the fear of the Joint Task Force but not the fear of the law – for they are above the law – but a selfish fear of STD’s that these vaginas are potentially carrying so these penises are enclosed in used pure water sachets as a brilliant substitute for condoms, such genius!

Oh please, do not lecture me on the damage incurred those innocent vaginas.

Vaginas are created to be beaten by penises as they deem fit and it does not matter that, in our laws, rape is not a condition for bail or that they forget that if any society desires to regulate an aspect of morality, it makes a law and any such law must be in conformity with the supreme law of the land, but hey! A vagina knows nothing, has no voice and no right in a penis’ world. Penis is the master.

Oh yes, vaginas, run! The Vagina Police cometh and you are a crime.

Florence Ozor
Yet – to – be – Apprehended Vagina.
Twitter: @florenceozor

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Zenith Bank Achieves Feat Of First Nigerian Bank To Consecutively Audit Its Greenhouse Gas Emissions And Be Certified Compliant Using Internationally Recognized GHG Protocol

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Zenith Bank Plc was presented with a Certificate for Greenhouse Gas Auditing by V4 Advisors after successful completion of the Bank’s Greenhouse Gas Audit for the 2018 Financial Year.

The presentation of the certificate and the report of the Auditors was done by V4 Advisors at the Zenith Bank Head Office on May 21, 2019.

The Executive Director, Dr.Temitope Fasoranti, who received the certificate on behalf of the Bank said the Bank started this effort with the 2016 Financial Year and has carried out three greenhouse gas audits to date. He explained that the Bank understands the relationship between greenhouse gas emission and climate change and appreciates the role it is expected to play towards combating the menace of climate change.

Also speaking on the milestone, the Country Manager Lynsey Elston highlighted that Zenith Bank is the first Nigerian bank to consecutively report the carbon emissions of their Head Office in Lagos using a certified tool which is built on the internationally recognized “GHG Protocol”. She commended the bank for proving its commitment to the United Nations Global Compact (UNGC) Goal 13, Climate Action, in addition to complying with Global Reporting Initiative (GRI) Standards”..

In response to her, the Executive Director said the initiative has significantly helped the bank reduce its overall carbon footprints and drive energy efficiency.

V4 Advisors is a UAE-based provider of advisory and consulting solutions on climate change and greenhouse gas emissions. The firm’s calculation and reporting tool has been reviewed by the World Resources Institute (WRI) for conformance with the GHG Protocol Corporate Standard.

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AGURA STOOL: Ajiboso Ruling House Will Produce the New King

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The ongoing Kingship tussle presently in Gbagura Kingdom of Abeokuta has taken a new dimension as the Ajiboso ruling house is presently claiming the rightful mandate to the throne.

However an Ogun State High Court sitting in Abeokuta has been asked to declare the appointment of Saburee Babajide Bakre to fill the vacant stool of Agura of Gbagura as null and void by the Ajiboso ruling house for the stool of Agura of Gbagura, in Abeokuta Ogun state, Prince Adetayo Mufutau Adedeji Lugboso.

The Ajiboso ruling house declare that the election of Bakre by the kingmakers was irregular and of no effect and give an order directing the Jiboso Ruling House to present a candidate to the kingmakers in accordance with the Agura Chieftaincy Declaration of 1958.

The Agura Chieftaincy Declaration of 12th November 1958, recognises two ruling houses; namely Ajiboso and Egiri.

Citing the Agura of Gbagura Chieftaincy Declaration, Lugboso claimed that the emergence of Saburee Bakre as the new Agura is an aberration to the thrown as instituted by his uncle, a retired judge who used his influence to foist Bakre on the family even when he knew that he was not a prince nor qualified to be appointed as the Agura of Gbagura.

He further stated that Bakre does not qualified to be nominated for the Agura stool, adding that it is the turn of Ajiboso ruling house to produce the next king.

In order to avert crisis in the Kingdom, Rtd. Justice Bakare is using his influence and power among his people and has single-handedly chose Saburee Babajide Bakare who recently claimed the name of Jamolu, the first king of Gbagura.

Oba Jamolu is from Ajiboso ruling house and not Egiri family while the so called Bakare claimed to have hail from Egiri ruling house which he doesn’t even know the Egiri’s ancestoral home in Iddo.

Justice Bakare, has since been fabricating false stories in the kingdom to suit his narratives while he’s ignorant of the history of both ruling house and the kingdom as a whole.

Bayewumi Balogun Ojo who was brought up in Isapon area in Abeokuta is not a kingmaker and does not have any knowledge about the kingdom aside the one fed him by Bakare is conniving to falsely and forcefully impose Bakre who does not belong to any of the ruling house to be the next Agura.

Therefore, the Ajiboso ruling house is hereby using this medium to inform the general public that any attempt to impose an unknown person on the people of Gbagura Kingdom will be resisted by all means necessary.

The head of the Ajiboso ruling house, Prince Mufutau Lugboso caution the outgoing Governor of Ogun State or his agents from acknowledging the purported appointment of Bakre as the Agura of Gbagura.

“it all started when Balogun Ojo, Balogun Ika, Justice Bakare and chief kingmakers introduced application form publicly to the throne at the rate of 50, 000 Naira which was obtained by 19 person without any interview.”, Prince Lugboso posited.

Aside Oba Laloko, seven Agura has been enthroned namely Oba Jamolu ruled the kingdom from 1870 – 1877 while Ijaade from the Egiri Ruling House, between 1877 to 1893, Oba Olubunmi; from Jiboso between 1897 to 1910.
Others were Oba Abolade from the Egiri royal house ruled the kingdom between 1910 to 1915, he became the king with so much influence and power because he belong to non of the ruling house which led the Iwarefas’ to return the kingship back to Egiri ruling house.

Oba Adeosun then took over from Abolade and ruled the kingdom from 1915 – 1936.
Between 1936 and 1960, Oba Bakare Laloko became the Agura with the power of Balogun Iddo Olalekan which is clear to the people of Gbagura that he’s from Igbore land beside Lemboye’s house in Abeokuta claimed Ajiboso family while his mother is not related to the family in anyway.

Oba Rauf Adeosun, from the Egiri was coronated in 1961 but joined his ancestors in 1978. The throne was supposed to return to Ajiboso family, this brought about another irregularity which made the past king, Oba Adebayo Ajani Laloko who transited last year.

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14 Professors, 66 Others Shortlisted For SAN Awards

Gbemileke Ajayi

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The Legal Practitioners’ Privileges Committee (LPPC) has released the names of 80 lawyers it is considering for the conferment of the award of Senior Advocate of Nigeria for 2019.

Among the 80 shortlisted lawyers were Lagos-based activist lawyer, Mr. Ebun-Olu Adegboruwa, and 13 professors, who are being considered for the award under the academic category.

The 13 professors are Joseph Abugu, Damilola Olawuyi, Olaide Gbadamosi, Mamman Lawan, Uchefula Chukwumaeze, Oludayo Amokaye, Alphonsus Alubo, Rasheed Ijaodola, Sampson Erugo, Edward Oyewo, Oghenemaro Emiri, Bankole Akintoyesodipo and Afeisimi Badaiki.

In a Monday newspaper advertorial signed by the LPPC Secretary/Chief Registrar of the Supreme Court, Hadizatu Mustapha, the body said the 80 shortlisted lawyers had sailed through the “first and second advocates’ filtration, academic pre-qualification exercise and the appeal process, preparatory to the award of SAN for the year 2019.”

Mustapha said the general public was at liberty to comment on the integrity and reputation of the shortlisted candidates.

“Any complaint(s) presented to the Legal Practitioners’ Privileges Committee must be accompanied with verifying affidavit deposed to before a court of record in Nigeria.

“Ten copies of such comments or complaints must be submitted at the office of the Secretary, Legal Practitioners’ Privileges Committee, at the Supreme Court of Nigeria Complex, Abuja, not later than 4:00 p.m. on Monday, 17th June, 2019,” she said.

(Independent)

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